My name is Michelle, I had LAP RNY in January 2008 with Dr. Krahn and to date, have lost 236 pounds! It has changed my life in so many ways! I do things and go places that I was never able to go before. When I started the process, I weighed 501 pounds, and was slowly dying a little more each day. Now, I weigh 265 pounds and am going strong. I am going to post an excerpt from my blog that demonstrates what I was feeling pre-surgery, and it may help sum up the reasons why I took this life-changing step:

Who Will I Be?

As I get closer to my surgery date, I have been thinking about all the different phases of life I have traveled through as a morbidly obese individual, about the person I have been over the years in one form or another.

Let me introduce you. They are real. They are me.

There’s the young girl who is so tired of crying inside all of the time. She looks at her thin friends with their cute clothes. She dreams of wearing those clothes and having the boys look at her. She’s tired of wanting to hide all of the time. She’s tired of feeling like she doesn’t fit in. Even in her own family. She’s tired of the disappointed look her mom tries to hide. She’s tired of her sisters making fun of her. She begins to fantasize about fitting in. Having a boyfriend. Tubing on the river with her friends and wearing a bikini. Laughing and going to parties. Being normal.

There’s the woman who is tired of seeing jobs given to people far less qualified than her. She knows it’s because of her weight. She is tired of people never looking her straight in the eye when she is at the bank or in stores. She is sick of elastic waisted pants and long ugly shirts to hide her stomach and butt. She is tired of having to settle for clothes just because they fit, even though they are ugly and completely not her style. She has to go to a wedding soon and is dreading it because she can’t find anything to wear. It seems she has spent her whole life feeling like she is on the outside looking in. Just once she wants to know what it’s like to feel pretty. What it’s like just to feel normal. She’s tired of hating what she sees every time she looks in the mirror.

There’s the woman who has battled with her weight all of her life. Her husband has left her for a younger and thinner woman, annihilating her feelings of self worth. She dreams she can shed the overwhelming shame she feels along with the weight and won’t have to live in terror of running into the ex or the other woman. She begins to fantasize about running into him in a “sexy - in your face outfit” She never dares to hope that maybe she even has a chance of finding a special new someone.

Then there’s the Mom. She tired of her whole life being defined by her size and her weight loss attempts. Her mom put her on her first diet when she was 8. By the time she was 15 she was a compulsive dieter and over the years and she has dieted herself up to 500pounds. She can only sit and watch while her daughter plays at the park. She sadly watches another mom swinging with her kids. She yearns to run and play and swing with her own child. She is forever haunted by the humiliation of having the chair break under her while sitting at a restaurant. She is unable to squeeze into seats at the movie theater and cant go into restaurants because of not fitting into the booth. She is so afraid that she embarrasses her daughter and family in public. She worries when her daughter brings friends over that they will be embarrassed. She wants so badly for her daughter, family, and friends to be proud of her. She’s tired of feeling like a failure because she has tried every thing. She’s just about lost all hope.

After being all of this, all these years, it's hard to get my head around the idea of NOT being any of these people anymore. I have nightmares about being one of the few people that a bypass will not work for, that I will always be like this, no matter what I do. Im scared of the surgery, but I am more scared of dying young and leaving my daughter and family behind way too soon. Guess I just need to keep my fingers crossed, my mind clear, and my determination strong.

Hi, I'm Linda and I seldom read my email at home because I'm on the computer all day at work but tonight I decided to catch up and saw the post from you. What a powerful statement!! I had my surgery in November 2007 and have lost the 100 lbs I wanted to and have kept it off. I would still like to loose about 10-15 more. You have done incredably well. You should be so proud of yourself. I have two friends who recently had the surgery and I brought one of them to Dr. Krahns' support group last month. I was not able to make the meeting tonight but plan on being there next month. I live in the Murrieta area and with other commitments and my kids activities it's hard to get to the meetings. Do you go the the meetings at St. Bernardines? If so, I would like to meet you one night just to say, "Hello". Until then, I wish you health and happiness!!